I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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