my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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