I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
