you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
