Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
