I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Walk of Shame today included voting.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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