There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
