this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
