So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
