I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
