U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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