Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
