Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
