Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize