bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I wear drunk well.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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