Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
