Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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