that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
3pm strippers are depressing
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
