the condom got lost in my hair
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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