It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
