I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
