He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
