The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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