I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
