When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
