We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
