This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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