i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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