Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
