how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
