My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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