just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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