Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
