That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
