I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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