I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
