Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
