Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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