They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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