FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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