I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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