Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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