wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
