I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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