My friends, they love my intelligence
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
