I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
