she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
