On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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