I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
