Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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