dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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