the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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