I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
