I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
