my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
