Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Dick very happy bro
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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