I looked at my own cervix.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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