So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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