Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Let's get the cat blown out
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
