i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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