Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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