Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
