Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Green mimosas i think yes
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
